333

Feeling inadequate and I’ve barely even started, yet..

The sinking of my gut, the pull at my chest, the well up in my eyes say much more than I can put into words; outwardly it may seem like pouting and not getting my way because I’m seeing others do great things while I sit here and seem to get denied.

The pain of comparison.

What am I not doing that they are? Who are they that I’m not? Maybe I’m not supposed to do this… but why would I want to if I couldn’t? Such a bittersweet feeling – that want for but not doing what you aspire to do because of some sort of ‘limitation.’

Sad, when you think about it really, to let a thought come and stop all you wish to do. Your big dreams defeated by a tiny thought. Hmph.

Maybe it’s because of what my mother to me when I was 12 and wanted to try out for my middle school flag team, “you can try out, but just hope you don’t make it.”* I think that may have set the stage for every gasp or ooh of inspiration to become an instant pipe dream. 

What else could halt everything I set out to do, making it nearly impossible to complete my own ‘honey, to do’? Shit, not wanting to feel anything fully because on the other side it’ll just feel like a deflated balloon. 

Fear of rejection.

Is. 

Not. 

A.

Safe. 

Defense.  

Mechanism.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. 


*She says she never said that to me, but why would I remember it so vividly?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s